However, there are many pleasures of teaching and working that I miss. One thing I've noticed, among many others, is the fact that not being a teacher is causing me to act more my age. Now, don't get me wrong. I still like to stay up late, go out and have a drink or four, drive to L.A. for a mid-week concert, and wear clothes that have caused my husband to say things like, "Your clothes don't seem like the clothes of a forty-year-old." The fact that I still enjoy all of these things, does not mean I recover from them like I used to. Still, except for the sound of gravel in my knees as I walk, and the subsequent pain that follows whenever I, say, run, or jump, or stand from a seated position, I feel pretty young. I definitely do not feel like I'm rounding the dreaded corner of forty in less than a month. If only the way I feel could somehow alter the reality of my situation. Now, I'm all for growing old gracefully, and being the best you can be in the body you've got, and all that motivational self-love stuff; it was just so much easier to espouse those ideas when trying to comfort someone else. Now that I have to apply these rules to myself, it's a little more difficult. So, I try not to think about it.
What I have been thinking about is pop-culture. I've been feeling an emptiness in my soul--a wide, dark hole in my mind. I used to secretly pride myself in my knowledge of the Jersey Shore cast's latest antics, the new controversial music video of the moment, the can-you-believe-thats and the oh my goshes of TMZ. I used to know who Justin Bieber was, and Kim Kardashian, Miley Cyrus, and Vanessa Hudgens, and all of the other up-and-comings, and I used to know what they were wearing, where they were going, what they were doing, and who they were doing it with. And I used to kind of give a shit. And it was all for the sake of my students.
It used to mean something to someone if I knew who Amanda Bynes was when I had a student on the first day of school try to trick me into believing that was her name. Because I watched America's Next Top Model, and so did many of my students, we could talk about how wrong the judges were for voting off this girl or that. And when I had a male student who dreamed of being on America's Next Top Model, the the show became a catalyst for his trust in me as he shared his struggles with being a transgendered individual. I still watch America's Next Top Model, but that's beside the point. The point is, there is no one keeping me on my toes, no one who thinks it's cool if I know the lyrics to their favorite song, no one who might care if I care to be in their world and understand their language. Teaching kept me in the loop, and it kept me young. There is an argument out there that being interested in pop-culture is a vapid, meaningless pursuit. Certainly, there are far more important issues on which to focus than Kim and Kanye's dim-witted decision to name their baby North. But when you're standing before a group of teenagers and what they want most in life besides money and women and cars is to connect with others, it gives you a little more credibility as a real person. I was more than an authority, more than some lady who knew nothing about them, more than a robot who shut down at night and slept in the classroom closet. I became someone who could actually speak to them. I became someone who might have had something in common with them. Or at least that's how I felt.
When I first started teaching, I was twenty-two years old, and I cared too much about being liked. I thought that if my students liked me, everything would be perfect. They would all listen to me with ears perked up, backs straight, and hands neatly folded on their desks. I thought they would easily grasp everything I said and taught. I was certain they all would complete every assignment and earn A's on their assignments. I thought that if I cared, they would care. I was truly idealistic and stupid! I didn't know what hit me. My days alternated between those that brought tears and those that brought hope. I hated and I loved my job. But I was not really connecting with my students yet because I was still walking on glass. I lacked confidence, experience, and wisdom. And I lacked the most important thing of all: the knowledge that for students to succeed in school, they must first and foremost respect the teacher. Being liked comes later, if at all. Over time, I cut my teeth on their variety, their angst, their mob mentality, and their vulnerability.
I realized later in my career that many of my students probably didn't like me. But once I shifted my focus from being liked to being effective, the rest seemed to follow. And it mattered that I could bring in examples dealing with pop-culture because it was a language that almost all of my students could understand. Now that teaching is gone from my life, and my students with it, much of pop-culture has made a graceful exit as well. I miss it because I long for what it represented--a means through which to connect with others, a mode of trivial communication that almost always led to laughter and often to critical thinking.
It's impossible to keep up with all of the shows and tabloids, and as I get older, I find myself less and less interested, which makes me and my knees feel older. I could spend my time reading pages and pages of heartbreaking truths such as the chemical massacre in Syria. But I'm too sensitive. My husband shares what he reads with me, and it keeps the sadness to a minimum. I am aware of the world, but I'd much rather laugh or get lost in the silly lives of celebrities. I want my down time to be mindless. I don't want to ponder the misfortunes of the planet or the ramifications of war. I don't want to see children dying in the streets, even if I know they are. I want to be somewhat blind. Ignorance is bliss, yes? And what I don't know won't hurt me? Or is knowledge power? I'm not suggesting that we all turn to pop-culture as a means to deny the cold, hard truth. I think balance is the answer. So for now, I will go back to watching Project Runway. As it turns out, the fashion world can be pretty cruel, but nobody dies--unless you count the suicide of Alexander McQueen.
I guess what I'm realizing is that there's a part of me that needs a little bit of reality TV, a little bit of pop-culture, a little bit of relevance. It's the kind of stuff that I don't feel bad about, and if I had a group of students this year, we'd probably be working on a persuasive essay right now. We are not Congress, so I think we'd delve into the power of advertisements and what they're really trying to sell. Maybe we can discuss Syria after we've played with puppies and eaten a bunch of candy. Aren't you more likely to have power over whether or not you buy Axe Body Spray than whether or not America goes to war?
I'm not saying that current events aren't important. I'm just trying to say that most of us would like to see some rainbows and butterflies before we can begin to contemplate death.
I love you!!!! And your writing!!! And I would write more but I have to get caught up on my Chelsea Lately's so I can know what is going on.
ReplyDeleteWell, thank you!
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