For today’s post, I decide to share
an email from a former student and my reply.
Sometimes it helps to know we are not alone.
Mrs. Ferg,
I'm going to
start with a quote that made me think of you when I read it. I have read this
book about seven times, but have always failed to read the conclusion… until
the last time I read it. I found this gem on the very last page of Tuesdays
with Morrie:
Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom
"Have you ever
really had a teacher? One who saw you as raw but precious thing, a jewel that,
with wisdom, could be polished to a proud shine? If you are lucky enough to
find your way to such teachers, you will always find your way back. Sometimes
it is only in your head. Sometimes it is right alongside their beds.
The last class
of my old professor's life took place once a week, in his home, by a window in
his study where he could watch a small hibiscus plant shed its pink flowers.
The class met on Tuesdays. No books were required. The subject was the meaning
of life. It was taught from experience.
The teaching
goes on."
I finally got
the chance to sit down and read your blog posts. I myself have been wanting to
start one since forever, but have not come up with the courage to because of
fear that no one would read it. The heart and soul that is put into every word
on that page, written and rewritten until it is perfect- but even still, is not
perfect because we feel it could always be better. I have tried to convince
myself so many times that I wouldn't care if only me, my mom, and some random
stranger from Norway kept up with my blog- leaving the same bittersweet
comments: "So true, Honey!" or "Good job!"
No.
The thought of that brought chills
up my spine. I am a writer. We are writers. We want people to read what
we have to say and be affected by it because that's what writers do!
They impact people! They make people think, reevaluate, cry, or laugh. Writing
is not meant to be hidden away, even if it is something personal- because
someone, somewhere is going to think, "Yes, this person understands
me."
Do not be afraid.
Writing is your soul. Writing is
what gives us a legacy. Writing is something permanent and personal and
beautiful because it will be there forever. When we pass, people can still read
our thoughts. Our own words on a piece of paper, a napkin, a word document, or
newspaper.
They can never
take away your thoughts.
I sit here, at
my mother's house (in the bathtub actually), where the water tastes like metal.
I cried for quite a while thinking about needs. What do we really need?
I am often distraught about materials- about how I still don't have an iPhone,
or a car, or nice clothes. However, although see [sic] are materials. I also think about how a car is more than a
vehicle. It is a vessel for transportation to people and places that we love. I
cried today because my dad's band was playing a show in Huntington, but I don't
have a car to take me to him, so I was left powerless.
What's that? Ask
my mom to take me? HA.
A few hours later though, I realized
that it was not the car that I was sad about- it was the fact that I was not
able to be there to support my father. What happens when ****'s band is going
to play their first show? Will I be able to make it? Lord I hope so. To me, the
idea of letting someone down is bigger than any material possession. The idea
that I do not have transportation to see my mom, my boyfriend, my dad, my
friends, my church, or my youth group whenever, is scary to me. I am bound by
the chains of the world. My heart is in the right place, but my resources are
limited. Granted, I have more than most. I am truly blessed that I have food on
the table every night, clothes on my back, and a roof over my head. So that is
why I feel like scum when I complain about things like this, because some
people don't even know when the next time they are going to eat is. A friend of
mine is on a mission trip and he told the story of three babies he rescued from
across a vast river who were dying of starvation. These small souls shouldn't
know what struggle is, but they have seen more struggle in their first year of
life than I have seen in nineteen. So is it my place to complain?
I am starting my
second year of college at the end of this month, and although the road seems so
long I know that in reality, it is going to be the blink of an eye when I look
back on it. I have had plenty of panic attacks, long cries, and feelings of
doubt going through my first year... but somehow I made it through. And
now when I look back, I realize that I am tired of holding back. I am tired of
failing to take opportunities because of fear, doubt, or lack of motivation. I
am tired of letting little issues grow like ivy in my head. I am tired of
letting people's self centered attitudes make me feel like dirt. For I am a
strong warrior on a mission to fight conforming to this world's ugly standards.
I am better than that. You are better than that. We are better than that!
As for your blog, do not be discouraged. Do
not be afraid. For I am reading- thinking, reevaluating, crying, and laughing
along with you.
Fondly,
*****
___________________________________________________
*****,
Thank you so much for your heartfelt email. I loved reading it...Yes, you are a writer! It is interesting that you have not started a blog yet because of certain "fears." I struggled with this, too. I thought, who will read it? Doesn't it have to be about something? And then, I woke up. As always, it is better to start, even if you are uncertain where the road may lead. I realized that, at least right now, my blog is for myself. I think most writers start that way. Writing is a calling, and they must write. Whether or not there is an audience waiting with bated breath is not the issue. I, too, thought, even if I am the only one who gets enjoyment from writing this thing and only my mom and some "random" person follow my posts, I will be satisfied because I followed through with a goal--a desire to do something beyond nothing. I am going to let my blog evolve and become whatever it wants to become. And it was the fear that my blog would become nothing that kept me away for as long as it did. Now, I can happily say that I have a blog! Is it everything I dreamed it would be? No. But that's not because it is flawed or inferior or readerless...It's because I don't have any expectations of the blog itself. My only expectations are of myself. I must keep it going. I must write every day. I decide what that means...weekdays for now. I must strive to make my writing strong and to use my blog as a tool for always improving my own voice and my writing.
So, I've thought a lot about what you wrote regarding your lack of materials...I am sympathetic because I have a certain fondness for you that must be akin to the fondness one has for a sister or a daughter. I don't want to think of you suffering at all. Ever. And I do not think, by any means, you should be regarded as "scum" because you feel an emptiness where you lack some of the common modern conveniences you see people possess all around you. Come on! I do get your point… Sometimes when I hear myself complain about how my brand new touch screen laptop doesn't quite work like my MacBook did, I want to throw up. I mean, really?! Some people are starving in this world! In this country! In this city! But then I have to check myself before I wreck myself. To me, this is a reminder that everything in life is relative...I certainly want show genuine gratitude for all of the wonderful conveniences and luxuries in my life. At the same time, I think it is important that I feel good about what I have; how else can I show gratitude? Are none of us to benefit from luxury or opportunity ever? That seems unrealistic, self-punishing, and simply ridiculous. What is equally important, though, is to maintain a sense of humility and understanding.
The fact that you are so self-aware and world-aware is astounding. You are so young, yet you see so much. Your sensitive spirit is a gift, but one that comes with a price. Often, you may find yourself weighed down by the injustices you see around you. This weight triggers a depression that can only be felt by the kindest of souls. In Sue Monk Kidd's novel The Secret Life of Bees, the character May has built a "wailing wall," and in it she stuffs papers that hold others' suffering. Other people's pain and misfortune burdens May so much that the only way she can function normally is to write down these sufferings and physically remove them from herself by placing them in the wall. The wall is a symbol of strength--the strength May does not have to carry the weight of the world on her shoulders. If she did not have the wall to absorb these burdens, May would be an emotional wreck; she is a true empath, a highly sensitive being who is keenly tuned in to the suffering of others. It seems that you, like me, and like May, possess this emotional personality type, at least to some degree. If you allow yourself to empathize with others too much, the pain becomes heavy, almost as if it were your own, and you wear it like a second skin. It is almost as if you intuitively absorb others' sadness as a way to ease the burden for them; the problem with this sort of "intuition" is that it is literally impossible for us to relieve someone of their pain by transferring it to ourselves. We can commiserate. We can help by volunteering time and money to good causes. We can endeavor to always be understanding, loving, honest, and kind. But logic will tell us that we can only help others if we remain healthy. We can only save a drowning victim if we do not drown in the process.
I encourage you to stop berating yourself for wanting things you want. I also encourage you to stop kicking yourself because others are worse off than you. You have integrity, honor, and courage. These traits do not disappear because you wish you had the money to buy a car so that you can commute. We live in a commuter society. You are simply wishing for a simpler life, and more opportunities. This does not make you greedy or selfish. Everybody has a wish based on their own situation. This is nothing to be ashamed of. You want to feel more normalized in a society that values certain things...this is not a moral crime. It is quite understandable that you feel saddened by these thoughts. So, feel saddened! And let your feelings drive you. You deserve every good thing that comes your way. When you finally get a car, a shopping spree, an iPhone, or whatever it is the material part of your heart desires, you will surely appreciate it! There is something to be said for going without...and you know this well. You are getting a college education! Your life is going to be whatever you want it to be! I am so proud of you! Not just because you are in college! Ha! But because you are so beautiful in a world that can be so ugly. Your spirit is what makes you rich, and I know you know this. I realize it would be that much better if you could drive your rich spirit wherever it wanted to go! In time, you will have all you desire. (I know that sounds like something I ripped from the inside of a fortune cookie).
****, I have missed you terribly! I hope we will continue to be email pals. I hope we can get together for lunch--maybe before you go back to school. I want you to know that you can always come to me if you need anything. I might not be able to buy you a car! Ha! But, seriously, I am here for you, always.
Sincerely,
Ms. Ferguson
Thank you so much for your heartfelt email. I loved reading it...Yes, you are a writer! It is interesting that you have not started a blog yet because of certain "fears." I struggled with this, too. I thought, who will read it? Doesn't it have to be about something? And then, I woke up. As always, it is better to start, even if you are uncertain where the road may lead. I realized that, at least right now, my blog is for myself. I think most writers start that way. Writing is a calling, and they must write. Whether or not there is an audience waiting with bated breath is not the issue. I, too, thought, even if I am the only one who gets enjoyment from writing this thing and only my mom and some "random" person follow my posts, I will be satisfied because I followed through with a goal--a desire to do something beyond nothing. I am going to let my blog evolve and become whatever it wants to become. And it was the fear that my blog would become nothing that kept me away for as long as it did. Now, I can happily say that I have a blog! Is it everything I dreamed it would be? No. But that's not because it is flawed or inferior or readerless...It's because I don't have any expectations of the blog itself. My only expectations are of myself. I must keep it going. I must write every day. I decide what that means...weekdays for now. I must strive to make my writing strong and to use my blog as a tool for always improving my own voice and my writing.
So, I've thought a lot about what you wrote regarding your lack of materials...I am sympathetic because I have a certain fondness for you that must be akin to the fondness one has for a sister or a daughter. I don't want to think of you suffering at all. Ever. And I do not think, by any means, you should be regarded as "scum" because you feel an emptiness where you lack some of the common modern conveniences you see people possess all around you. Come on! I do get your point… Sometimes when I hear myself complain about how my brand new touch screen laptop doesn't quite work like my MacBook did, I want to throw up. I mean, really?! Some people are starving in this world! In this country! In this city! But then I have to check myself before I wreck myself. To me, this is a reminder that everything in life is relative...I certainly want show genuine gratitude for all of the wonderful conveniences and luxuries in my life. At the same time, I think it is important that I feel good about what I have; how else can I show gratitude? Are none of us to benefit from luxury or opportunity ever? That seems unrealistic, self-punishing, and simply ridiculous. What is equally important, though, is to maintain a sense of humility and understanding.
The fact that you are so self-aware and world-aware is astounding. You are so young, yet you see so much. Your sensitive spirit is a gift, but one that comes with a price. Often, you may find yourself weighed down by the injustices you see around you. This weight triggers a depression that can only be felt by the kindest of souls. In Sue Monk Kidd's novel The Secret Life of Bees, the character May has built a "wailing wall," and in it she stuffs papers that hold others' suffering. Other people's pain and misfortune burdens May so much that the only way she can function normally is to write down these sufferings and physically remove them from herself by placing them in the wall. The wall is a symbol of strength--the strength May does not have to carry the weight of the world on her shoulders. If she did not have the wall to absorb these burdens, May would be an emotional wreck; she is a true empath, a highly sensitive being who is keenly tuned in to the suffering of others. It seems that you, like me, and like May, possess this emotional personality type, at least to some degree. If you allow yourself to empathize with others too much, the pain becomes heavy, almost as if it were your own, and you wear it like a second skin. It is almost as if you intuitively absorb others' sadness as a way to ease the burden for them; the problem with this sort of "intuition" is that it is literally impossible for us to relieve someone of their pain by transferring it to ourselves. We can commiserate. We can help by volunteering time and money to good causes. We can endeavor to always be understanding, loving, honest, and kind. But logic will tell us that we can only help others if we remain healthy. We can only save a drowning victim if we do not drown in the process.
I encourage you to stop berating yourself for wanting things you want. I also encourage you to stop kicking yourself because others are worse off than you. You have integrity, honor, and courage. These traits do not disappear because you wish you had the money to buy a car so that you can commute. We live in a commuter society. You are simply wishing for a simpler life, and more opportunities. This does not make you greedy or selfish. Everybody has a wish based on their own situation. This is nothing to be ashamed of. You want to feel more normalized in a society that values certain things...this is not a moral crime. It is quite understandable that you feel saddened by these thoughts. So, feel saddened! And let your feelings drive you. You deserve every good thing that comes your way. When you finally get a car, a shopping spree, an iPhone, or whatever it is the material part of your heart desires, you will surely appreciate it! There is something to be said for going without...and you know this well. You are getting a college education! Your life is going to be whatever you want it to be! I am so proud of you! Not just because you are in college! Ha! But because you are so beautiful in a world that can be so ugly. Your spirit is what makes you rich, and I know you know this. I realize it would be that much better if you could drive your rich spirit wherever it wanted to go! In time, you will have all you desire. (I know that sounds like something I ripped from the inside of a fortune cookie).
****, I have missed you terribly! I hope we will continue to be email pals. I hope we can get together for lunch--maybe before you go back to school. I want you to know that you can always come to me if you need anything. I might not be able to buy you a car! Ha! But, seriously, I am here for you, always.
Sincerely,
Ms. Ferguson
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